By LEE DRESSELHAUS / L’Observateur / April 28, 1999

So. This is probably going to be one of those columns that gets me introuble with a bunch of different folks. Mostly women. Again. But I reallyfeel the need to question another of the values that we, as a society have placed on one of the most basic of drives. I’m questioning that weird,vague system of standards we use to determine if someone is physically attractive to us.

OK, so what got me off on this tangent? Glad you asked. I was watchingtelevision the other night and one of those TV gossip magazines like Entertainment Tonight or Perpetual Intrusion or something like that was on. They were profiling the girl from Ally McBeal, Calista Flockhart. Theyshowed her in a gym with her personal trainer and how she works out.

Now, usually I don’t have any objections to looking at beautiful women in their gym outfits because, well, just because. This time though, I couldthink only one thought.

Somebody feed that girl something! Good Lord! She looks like she has been locked in someone’s basement for a long time and fed potato peels to keep her alive. And I mean only potatopeels. She is skinny to the point of being nearly transparent. And when sheflexed those scrawny little arms to show off the muscle she has worked so hard to develop she looked alarmingly like a skinned squirrel, except that the squirrel would have a bit more meat on it. Sorry, folks, but this isnot attractive. People without medical conditions are not usually thatthin. Its just not natural. Of course, she denies being bulimic or usingappetite suppressants or doing anything other that just being herself to reach the questionable goal of looking that way. Anybody believe that?Didn’t think so.

So anyway, while I was looking at her and wishing someone would give her a nice big dish of stroganoff followed by a hefty pie a la mode (extra ice cream, please), it occurred to me that I shouldn’t really criticize just because I dont happen to find that scrawny look attractive. I’ll bet thereare people out there that do. After all, those bony, hollow-eyed, dazed-looking supermodels dont get paid thousands of dollars an hour to walk down a runway because nobody thinks they’re attractive. I have to admit,though, I just don’t get it.

What other people find attractive is often a mystery to me. When themovie Titanic came out all the women just thought that little pipsqueak Leonardo DiCaprio was the hottest thing since habanero sauce. That’sanother one I just didn’t understand, and every guy out there who is reading this is nodding his head right now and saying, uh huh.

The kid looks like he needs milk toast and his mommy, yet women everywhere were just gaga over him. I don’t get it. And, please, before anyof you women out there from the Leonardo DiCaprio Tastefully Deprived Fanclub start saying that I have that opinion of the little goober because I’m just jealous (I can hear it now), let me assure you that if I were to be jealous of any other guy, Squeaky DiCaprio there wouldn’t be it.

On the other hand, I guess I’m fortunate that you women aren’t necessarily driven by the same standards we men are when it comes to who or what we find attractive. If you were, there would be a whole of lonely men outthere, most likely including me since I’m not exactly a sunny day at the beach in the looks department. My wife, fortunately, was a little lessjudgemental than men tend to be. Men tend to use a more physical set ofstandards when deciding who to pursue. Especially when were younger. Ifshe looks good, we chase. Say what? She can barely even speak and has tocount on her fingers? So? She looks good. Women look for other things,like intellect, sensitivity, and a man who will do what he’s told and shut up.

I recently had the opportunity to take part in one of a man’s favorite fantasy conversations, which is just who would you choose to be stranded on a desert island with besides Ginger and Mary Ann? (Mrs. Howell is out.)I won’t get into just who my choices were because this is a family newspaper, but I’ll tell you one who wouldn’t even nearly make the list and that’s Calista Flockhart. For two reasons. I just don’t find that bony lookat all attractive for one, even though she obviously wouldn’t eat much and she wouldn’t take up much room. BUT – if I ran out of food and had to cookher and eat her there wouldn’t be enough there for a good gumbo.

I’m practical that way.

Copyright © 1998, Wick Communications, Inc.

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