Lee Dresselhaus / L’Observateur / December 22, 1999

So, by George, I think I’ve got it.

After all these years I think I’ve finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up.

I want to be a victim.

I’m serious. Being a victim has finally attained the status of a modern artform. We live in a society which absolutely refuses to recognize personalresponsibility or personal folly. If you do something ill advised or evenincredibly stupid, well, it can’t be your fault. You must be a victim. If youare an underachieving idiot you need have no fear of being held responsible for being a burden on society. You are a victim. If you are a predatorycriminal, fear not. There is no end to the number of people out there whojust stand in line to make excuses for you and declare you a victim of forces beyond your control.

So, I’ve decided that being a victim beats working. One of the latest veryfine examples of this is the woman from Florida who developed carpal tunnel syndrome, also known as repetitive motion injury, at work. Throughher lawyer she filed for workman’s compensation to the tune of $267 a week. She is also asking to be reimbursed for $30,000 in medical bills.So what, you ask? If she was injured on the job she deserves compensation. There’s only one small catch to this tale of yet anothervictim.

According to the Reuters news story, the woman worked for CFP Enterprises, which is a phone sex company. She received her repetitivemotion injury in both hands from “repeatedly masturbating as many as seven times a day” while talking to callers. According to her attorney,Steven Slootsky, “She was told to do whatever it takes to keep the person on the phone as long as possible.” The woman, whose name was notreleased (wonder why?), used one hand to answer the phone, the other to type in or write down the customers names and their perversions du jour, and to give herself an orgasm during these cozy little chats. The callswere as long as 30 minutes each, according to the Reuters story.

Now, that’s what I call a dedicated employee. She went above and beyondthe call of duty by not only pleasing the customers, who would ask for her by name, but by pleasing herself as well. Repeatedly. I guess she kept herinterest level up that way. Anyway, she has become a victim and isseeking compensation for her pain and suffering. I’d be curious to see ifmasturbation is in that particular job description.

And that’s exactly what I mean when I say I want to become a victim. Whywork? Just the other night I thought I found the answer. I was thumbing throughthe late night TV channels when I stumbled on a commercial for the Acme Become-A-Victim kit. The advertisement said that I, too, can become avictim in just a few short hours. Simply follow the instructions containedin the kit, and victim status was assured. Just $29.95, credit cards only,no C.O.D. Imagine my dismay when I discovered, after the arrival of my new kit, that I am simply not qualified to be a victim. The kit was broken down intoseveral convenient victim categories from which to choose. I carefullyscrutinized the first.

1. Racial Victimization. If anybody disagrees with you, or expresses aviewpoint that does not fully agree with yours, they are racist. Therefore,you are a victim of their unfeeling aggressive attitude, and it has wrecked your life. Call 1-800-SUE-THEM. All races with the exception of whitemales may apply.

Well. That one wouldn’t work for me, so I moved on to the next. 2. Gender Victimization. If you are female, you are automatically a victim.Do not let anyone feed you this equal opportunity crap! You are oppressed, sister. Men have done this, and they are all pigs. Call 1-800-GET-EVEN. Nowhite males, either.

Rats! That one left me out, too! I moved on to the next one.

3. Scholastic Victimization. If you have screwed off through your entireschool career, disrupted classes and refused to listen to teachers and are now too nose-picking stupid to even come close to passing the SATs, no problem. It’s not your fault. You are a Victim! Well lower everybody’sstandards just for you! Just call 1-800-TOO-DUMB. No white males,Sparky.

With hope fading fast I moved on to the last category.

4. Bozo Victimization. Are you hideously stupid? Do you do idiotic thingslike spill hot coffee in your lap, then blame the people who made the coffee because it didn’t occur to you it was hot? Did you stick your tongue in a wall socket and now you have permanent Harpo Marx hair and bulging bloodshot eyes? Sue the electric company! You are a Victim! Call 1-800- DAT-HURT. Alright, white males can apply for this one.Well, finally. I found a category in which I, too, can become a victim. Nowall I have to do is go out and injure myself in some amazingly moronic way and my fortune is assured. I didn’t waste my $29.95 after all.Maybe I can get work at a phone sex company.

Lee Dresselhaus is a regular columnist for L’Observateur

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