Dazed & Confused

Published 12:00 am Tuesday, January 2, 2001

So..the year 2000 is drawing to a close. The first year of the new millennium is fading into history, and I would like to celebrate its closure with a simple phrase.

Its about time.

Lets face it, folks. The year 2000 was a big fat flop. And to prove it, Ill recap some of the years top stories. Or rather, some of the things that happened which the media, in their infinite collective wisdom, turned into stories by pounding us senseless with their lurid details during our every waking moment.

Lets start with the boogie man that never materialized despite dozens of shrieking Chicken Littles running around telling us how the sky would fall at the stroke of midnight on New Years Day, 2000. Im talking about, of course, Y2K. Quick! Everybody dig bomb shelters! Arm yourselves to protect the wimmin and younguns! Move your families into caves! You might as well, because there wont be any electricity, or water, or garbage collection, or fire departments or police, or anything that our fragile government infrastructure provides. Stock up on food, because the entire worldwide banking system will collapse as well and your life savings will be useless. Learn to shoot your neighbors when they come begging. We are doomed.

And guess what happened.

Nothing. Not a thing. Anywhere. The winner of the Something That Got Way Too Much Of Our Attention Award (if there was such an award) is undoubtedly Y2K.

A close runnerup for that award would be the Elian Gonzales mess, er, story. I dont know about you folks, but I was ready to go postal over that issue. Just watching the talking heads who call themselves reporters standing outside the Gonzales home with those looks of pseudo-concern on their faces as they told us n over and over and over n about the plight of poor Elian made even more of my hair fall out, like radiation poisoning. And what happened when the kid finally went back to Cuba? Nothing. Not a thing. Castro was able to beat his flabby chest a bit and crow about how he got his way. For once. But Western civilization didnt collapse, and those reporters packed their bags and slinked away, waiting for the next incident they could blow out of proportion. I was glad, because by the time it was all over, if I heard “Elian” one more time I was going to scream like a little girl.

Some of the stories that were actually newsworthy are pretty amazing as well. They finally stopped slaughtering each other n in the name of religion and ancient blood-feud, of course – in the former Yugoslavia. Then, as if adhering to some bizarre law of social physics that says murder and mayhem abhor a vacuum, the Israelis and Palestinians started slaughtering each other again. In the name of religion and ancient blood- feud, of course. By the way, take note of the difference in the real reporters who cover stories where bullets are flying, a la Bosnia or Palestine, and the cutesy mannequins who cover “controversies” like the above mentioned Elian debacle. Two different animals there.

Lets see.what else did we learn in the year 2000? We learned that Florida voters need to stay out of the sun. We learned what a chad is. I could have lived the rest of my life never knowing what a chad is, but its been pounded into my head so much that I will never, ever forget it. And Ill always associate it with the word “disenfranchised.” Which is shorthand for “didnt get my way and was too stupid to vote correctly so it must be somebody elses fault.”

Speaking of voters, we also learned that the voters in New York can be had. Big time. They put Hillary Clinton in office and she had never lived in New York in her life. She just bought a house there. To top it off, I dont think she ever even moved in, and now I understand that the house is for sale and shes looking for another in Georgetown or some other D.C. suburb. Question for New York voters: Do you feel stupid yet?

So, the year 2000 was mostly a flop, at least in my book. But there is one very bright spot in the whole undistinguished mess. And I want to go on record right here as saying “I told you so.” The Saints made the playoffs, and for myself and every other die-hard who stuck with them season after miserable season, that is a very gratifying feeling of justification. For those of us who are not just fair-weather fans, this has been a year to remember, and a team to be proud of. Im not a gambler, and not because I have moral issues with the gambling thing, but because when I gamble, I lose. But I bet a friend at the beginning of the season that the Saints would make the playoffs this year. I won. How bout that?

Anyway, lets hope 2001 will be better than 2000. Happy New Year, everybody.