Harold Keller / L’Observateur / October 13, 1999

So..once again, fall is upon us and the stench, er, scent of politics is in theair. It happens about this time every four years. I used to detest politicsin general and certain politicians in particular, but now I watch whole entertaining display of people striving for power like some people watch their favorite soap opera. Don’t get me wrong, I still detest mostpoliticians, but it’s fun to watch them dancing, especially at this time of year.

Who will be the next President of the United States? Thanks to the foresight of a long ago Congress, Clinton is out. Two termswas plenty in this case. If he’d had any more time he might have sold theWhite House to China, freed Charles Manson, and sent North Korea welfare applications. All twenty gazillion of them. His eight years will be up soonand he will be just a memory, and not necessarily a sweet one, to the American people. At least, his presidency will be anyway. I suspect wellbe seeing Brother Bill in one courtroom proceeding or another long after he has left the White House. It’s no secret he’s been a very naughty boy invery many ways, much of which has come to light while he occupied the Oval Office. It has to bring up the question of whether he will be able tosurvive the type of legal scrutiny he got as President once he has left the protective umbrella of that office behind.

Anyway, he’s out and Candidate Gore is probably tainted with the Clinton legacy. I think most folks have had quite enough of that administration,thank you. And, unfortunately for Gore, he was Mr. Bill’s right-hand robot.Guilt by association is not fair, but it’s a fact. And besides, he’s just not avery dynamic guy. He looks more like he should be wearing a lab coat andteaching a shop class somewhere rather than being a serious presidential candidate.

And speaking of not very dynamic guys, I see that Dan Quayle had the good sense to drop out before he could be pounded senseless in a humiliating defeat. I don’t know who he gets his advice from, but whoever told him tomake a run for the presidency needs to be fired, or at least maybe horsewhipped. Unfortunately for Quayle, he is a media punching bag,especially since the self-inflicted fiasco of publicly misspelling the word potato. Oops. Since then no matter what he does, right or wrong, good orbad, the media along with every comedian who can set foot on a stage is going to pick him to pieces like starving piranhas. His advisors shouldhave seen that and told him to stick with whatever it was he was doing before the whole re-entering politics thing came up.

Then there’s Pat Buchanan. Give it up, Pat. Isn’t this your sixteenth run atthis thing, or does it just seem like it? You’re a little scary, you know. Ifyou leaned any more to the right, you’d just lie on the ground and spin on your shoulder, feet kicking, like Curley Howard. We all appreciate thingslike family values, but I like to think most parents can make decisions regarding what their kids watch on TV and things like that. They don’tneed the Knights Of The Right dictating morals to the rest of us. Plus, I’malways curious about those who go around telling everyone else how we should behave. They almost always have some dark little something tuckedaway somewhere. Take a look at Henry Hyde and Newt Gingrich. They sat inrighteous judgement on the admittedly deplorable morals of Mr. Bill, butthen it turned out that both of them had a femme fatale in the closet all along. Imagine. And finally, for the purposes of the limited space of this column anyway, there is George W. Bush. He seems to have survived the rumor mill presscoverage that he used illegal substances in the past. He was wounded, butmanaged to get through it with only minor bleeding. It will come up again,too, if he gets as far as an actual election. Did he use cocaine in the past?Probably. Twenty-five years ago it was the early 1970s, he was young andrich and in college. Do the math.Which brings up another point. What kind of person wants to be President?Everyone knows that the media proctoscope is an everyday reality for all candidates. If anything, and I mean anything even slightly off color orunsavory is uncovered, the piranhas converge, and the candidate is quickly stripped to the bone. All skeletons must be uncovered. So, who would wantto risk that? Whatever their reasons, ego and power being just part of the whole drive, it sure is fun to watch them do their soft shoe as they try to tap dance their way into office. And consequently into our lives. Beats soap operasall to pieces.

So who will it be? Which one shall we choose? Hey! I know what will narrow it down. Let’s try something different. Let’s elect the one whosays he’s only here to help the American people.

Hey, I believe him. Don’t you?

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