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DAZED AND CONFUSED

Lee Dresselhaus / L’Observateur / September 8, 1999

So. The latest politician being strung up by the media lynch is George W.Bush. Our ever-vigilant Guardians Of Democracy have gotten a whiff ofscandal and, with their usual keen eye for news that is incredibly pertinent to the existence of our country, they have once again pounced on the possible story like starving jackals on a t-bone. They heard a rumorthat maybe, possibly, George W. Bush used an illegal drug, specificallycocaine, 25 years ago. They have reached back into the past to find somescandal and having possibly maybe found it, they are lining up to beat ol’ George about the head and face with it.

Well, while they are sniffing out the rumor of a cocaine story, I have uncovered a truly shocking fact about George W. Bush. Not rumor. Notinnuendo. Not a maybe. A fact. I am not making this up. This actuallyhappened, and I find it shocking. I’m distraught over the whole thing. I justhad a reliable source point out to me that, if you dig far enough into the past, you’ll find that George W. Bush wet his pants. Furthermore, he wetthe bed. Repeatedly. He was also known to cry when he didn’t get his way.Ninny.

Imagine my dismay when I discovered these unsavory facts about the man who hopes to be the next President of the United States. I tried to notbelieve it, but it was an undeniable truth, and I think the public should be made aware of it. We have a right to know these things about ourpoliticians no matter how far in the distant past the incidents occurred. Ipersonally find the whole thing distasteful, so keeping with what has become a media tradition I have decided to trumpet it to whoever will listen. And don’t give me that stuff about him being a baby at the time. Idon’t want any pants-wetter as my president. I expect and demand godlikeperfection in the people I vote into office.

I certainly don’t want to vote for anyone who is less than perfect. Anyonewho runs for office in this country need never have made a mistake of any kind in their youth. It’s intolerable. After all, we all know if we’re goingto grow up and run for President some day, don’t we? I’m sure he knew, while he was in high school and college, that he would one day be a respected politician. We have the right to expect our elected officials tohave the gift of clairvoyance as well as the gift of character perfection.

How can we vote for someone who should have known, 25 years ago, that he would one day run for the highest office in the land and yet still blundered about making the same mistakes the other mere mortals were making? And then, the worst of it. He actually made no comment when accused ofusing poor judgement like the rest of his age group at the time of his malfeasance. Why, it looked like he was trying to avoid admitting the useof cocaine! Why would he do that? We all know the decent thing to do would be to admit it to the media. Come clean. They’re forgiving, honorablepeople. They wouldn’t make such a huge deal over it that his life would beruined and he would never have a teensy, tiny hope of ever being President, would they? Of course not. They only want to report the news. They insistthat we have a right to know. Everything. Over and over and over again.Well, George old pal, I hate to tell you this, but you just don’t have the character to be our President. You made some mistakes when you wereyoung and before that you wet your pants. Can’t have that now, can we?And now you must be held accountable and be flogged at the pillory of public opinion. We, the public, have never made mistakes. (Especially me.That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.) We never did any naughty stuff when we were in our teens and early 20’s, and apparently some of us assume we have the right to judge anyone who did. We knew we had to be perfect so that, someday, when we told our kidsnot to do some of the things they are prone to do at that age, we could sit in righteous enthronement and hurl our parental thunderbolts without ever having to hear, “Hey, YOU did it.”But George just didn’t think that far ahead. And now the media shake theirwell-groomed heads at him and disdainfully say, tsk, tsk. I’ll bet none ofthem ever screwed up by using drugs, drinking too much, cheating on their spouses, or say, jumping to conclusions and reporting a dusty rumor as fact. They are, undoubtedly, pure as the driven snow.George, George, George. You should have made sainthood your goal. Thatway you would have been so clean, so decent, you might have been considered for the Presidency some day. You could have been as clean asJimmy Carter, who only lusted in his heart. Or Bill Clinton, who didn’tinhale, really.

And we all know what a great example he is.

Lee Dresselhaus is a regular columnist for L’Observateur.

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