By Lee Dresselhaus / L’Observateur / May 19, 1999

So. This is a gross-out alert. If you have a weak stomach you may not wantto read this. It can cause headache, temporary blindness in your left eye,and extreme nausea if read under certain circumstances, such as being accompanied by pictures. Which I and this newspaper, out of sheer concernfor the public well being, will take care not to include. Are you braced andready? Okay, here goes. And don’t say I didn’t warn you.Woody Allen has reproduced.

Now that in itself wouldn’t be such a shocker aside from the obvious passing-the-genetic-traits-down-the-line thing because, well, let’s face it. Look at the guy. Except for the tiny little fact that the mother of thechild used to be his stepdaughter and is only a tiny fraction of his age. I’mhaving a tough time with several aspects of this whole weird thing. Tostart with, why would any person want to have a child when he’s 60-odd years old? You can’t possibly hope to see them grow up all the way, go to college, get married, get divorced, and become a drug-abusing burden in your old age. He’s already there. And aside from that, this is hardlyoriginal thinking but it seems to me that I would want a little space between having to change the diaper of my child to when the child has to change mine. Like about 50 years at least. Not five or 10. At his age thereis just not a lot of room left for maneuvering about.

I also think that marrying your stepdaughter is a bit strange, not to mention a little creepy, much less fathering a child with her. Which iscreepier still. Aren’t there laws about that? Okay, I know, I know. They’renot genetically connected so that there’s no danger of the child being born with a cleft palate or being clinically insane (to look this up, see “British Royalty”) or any other of the lovely things that happen when mommy and daddy are brother and sister. Or father and daughter. Is it just me, or is itstill really weird? Face it, the chances of this kid having any kind of normal childhood are about as good as the chances of David Duke and Al Sharpton setting up housekeeping and buying a little antique shop together.

(Wait just a second or two while I dwell on that image. Okay, I’m back). Imean, it’s been pointed out that the child will have to face the fact that since her mother was also her father’s stepdaughter, then she would be her own aunt. And her mother would be her stepsister. And her fatherwould actually be her grandfather as well since he was her mother’s stepfather first. There are several other convolutions involved in thatwhole thing, but I just don’t have the stomach to get into it. It suffices tosay that the kid doesn’t have a chance.

I told you this could make you go blind in one eye.

The only thing this child will have going for her is the existence of a very large bank account to fall back on. Well, you say, that ain’t so bad! It is ifthat’s all you have and have to end up retreating to it just to cope, like a female Jack Benny in his vault. Because normal she will not have thechance to be. From the start. And heres another absolutely terrifyingthought: What if the kid looks like him? Yikes! Its a girl, too! Didn’t they think about that before this whole procreation idea came up? Note to Woody: Look in the mirror WITH your glasses on before doing this again.

In all fairness I must point out that Woody doesn’t have the weirdness market cornered all to himself where this issue is concerned. His childbride, Soon Yi, is a tad on the feathery side as well. What normal (there’sthat word again) person becomes attracted enough to a step parent to want to marry them and have their love child? (Sorry, but National Enquirer fans will be pleased). Or what normal person in their earlytwenties marries anyone in their sixties at anytime unless there are huge, greasy, sweaty wads of cash involved? In the time honored tradition, of course. The whole thing is a bit, well, for lack of a better word. Icky.I suppose that Hollywood stars have become the American version of European royalty in several ways. A huge number of them are very wealthyand we don’t have a clue what they’ve done to deserve it. Just like RoyalPeople. A whole lot of them engage in parties with debauchery that wouldhave made Caligula cringe. Just like Royal People.They engage in eccentric pursuits and enormously expensive, pointless hobbies. Just like Royal People. And now some of them marry in the family.Just like Royal People.

You can draw your own conclusions about the happy couple of Mr. and Mrs.Woody and no matter what your own opinions are, there is one inescapable factor here that works in everyone’s favor.

Aren’t you glad we didn’t include those pictures?

Lee Dresselhaus is a regular columnist for L’Observateur

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