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by Rix Quinn

     Christmas trees are like a distant cousin. They come to your house, surround themselves with presents, and stay a month. Then they begin to shed, and need somebody to drive them off.

     People often do strange things with cut trees. One of my neighbors pulled out a chain saw and widened his front door three feet. That allowed him to bring in the tree without bending it, and it made a great spectacle the neighbors could video.

     Once inside the home, some people say you should cut a couple inches off the base of a live tree trunk, and immerse it in a tree stand filled with water.

     If your tree’s artificial, it doesn’t need water. And if you cut anything off its trunk, you’ll have a shorter tree next year.

     Do not use flammable decorations on a tree. The new smaller, safer tree lights seem better. I even saw one guy try to wear these lights to a party, but his extension cord kept coming out.

     Some people surround the tree with a decorative tree skirt. I have never worn a tree skirt to a party, because I do not shave my legs.

     After the holidays, dispose of your tree properly. Many cities will remove it from your lawn, and recycle it into mulch.

     Therefore, do not dispose of your artificial tree. Plastic mulch will not grow anything.