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With apologies to Styx, don’t let this column’s title fool you. This ‘modren’ man actually LOVES technology.

I have always been a nerd in love with learning, and my two favorite areas of learning are music (listening, performing, composing, theory and eventually teaching) and computer technology. I was so indecisive with my love of both areas for my future career, that all throughout my last two years of high school, I did more flip-flopping between them than a pack of political candidates.

The first computer I ever used was a TRS-80 Model III. It was an archaic beast running a dinosaur of an operating system called TRS-DOS. The CoCo2, its more playful cousin, was my first computer. The Radio Shack Color Computer 2 came with 4KB of memory – not even enough memory to display all of the lyrics of “Come Sail Away.” But I splurged for the upgrade to 64KB, which DOUBLED the cost, and prepared my little CoCo2 to display the text of the U.S. Constitution, but only up to Article II, Section1. That leaves out quite a bit which might explain a dearth of constitutional knowledge amongst the public.

I loved that simple little P.O.S. machine. I wrote my own programs, drew adorable graphics, played “state of the art” role playing games [You have reached a wall, what do you want to do? CLIMB WALL. You have no tools. What do you want to do? CAST SPELL. You have no spells to cast. Maybe you should get a life, Gary.]

So how do we go from a place with that machine that I taught myself BASIC computer language, with its cassette tape data drive and ROM packs (think Atari or Nintendo game cartridges) one step up from stone tablets and chisels, to a situation where tech has invaded every aspect of our lives.

The ranting shall now begin.

1. Computers affect our shopping: “Sorry, we can’t find the item in the system.” Well I CAN FIND IT! It is right here in my hand, and I want to buy it.
2. Computers affect our medical care: “Tele-medicine is the next great thing.” No, my doctor healing my old, out-of-shape butt is the next great thing.
3. Computers affect our ability to pay bills: Here is my bill payment. “We can’t seem to be able to verify your account.” Well I imagine you’ll be able to verify my meter when you go to disconnect it, now take my money.
4. Computers affect our education: “Pandemic be damned; we can teach online.” But besides academic coursework, what about skills classes? Welding. Medical careers. Carpentry. Music. I do not want a phlebotomist drawing blood after ONLY online training. Those cute little Facebook music ensemble videos are just that – cute. What you see is the result of things already taught. Although you can teach music lessons one-on-one online, there is no online teaching that deals with the ability to play or sing in larger groups. The only way to learn that is to DO THAT. Try to teach all the individual football players online about running routes, blocking, fake handoffs, breaking tackles, punting, receiving and two-minute drills. Are you stupid enough to think, “Hey, I’ve got a real football team.” So when this COVID-19 curve is flattened, these types of classes definitely should not stay exclusively in the virtual world.

I think to myself, what is next, a smart shower?

My girl yells, “Honey! The shower won’t boot up! Did you change network settings again?”

“No, just reboot the spigot, wait 10 seconds and try to turn it on again,” I reply.

“Still nothing, honey! Make the kids shut off their computer tablets and for goodness sake NO TV STREAMING. Maybe that’ll boost the wi-fi signal.”

I yell, “We already tried that. Wait a minute. I’ll have to restart the Internet router!”

Shower: “Welcome! You’ve got water.”

“Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto.”

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Gary Wayne Dupré is enjoying his second career as the Administrative Assistant for L’OBSERVATEUR and can be reached at gary.dupre@lobservateur.com or (985) 652-9545. He’s the biggest Styx fan this side of Chicago, and he’s an old man, so STAY OFF HIS LAWN, or he’ll send the Robotos after you!