Lee Dresselhaus / L’Observateur / June 21, 2000

So’..there are many attention-getting devices in our lives today.Wherever we go we hear the continual cacophony of bells, whistles, horns, and alarms. They have a wide variety of tones and warbles that areintended to get our attention but we’ve become virtually immune to most.

Hearing a car alarm will barely make us turn our heads, even the alarms that shriek out, “Step back from the vehicle!” These alarms are a bit bizarre to me anyway simply for the sheer futility them because they will be just as studiously ignored as the rest.

We’ve become nearly immune to warnings. Nearly, I say, because here’s onethat, under the right circumstances, will get your undivided attention each and every time.

“SHARK!” Now, I don’t care who you are, or who you think you are, what your background or education is, or how cool you may think you can be, if you’re in the water when someone hollers, “SHARK!” you are suddenly reduced to the very same level on the food chain as a gazelle when he thinks there’s a cheetah about. All you – and that gazelle – want to do is make right darnsure it’s nowhere around YOU. And you will dedicate every fiber of yourbeing to doing just that. Like I said, a sure-fire attention getter. This very week there have been at three verified shark attacks at different points on the Gulf Coast. One was near Padre Island, Texas inwhich a shark grabbed a swimmer’s foot. The swimmer was let go withoutmajor injury except, I suspect, to his dignity because screaming isn’t a dignified process. If he did scream I don’t blame him, mind you, because ifI thought it would help I’d scream like a horror film queen if I were in that position.

The second was in Gulf Shores, Ala. A 500-pound bull shark attacked twoswimmers in somewhat shallow water, biting one rather severely on the arm and then the other on his side. It was a more serious attack and I’mglad those guys are relatively all right, but I have two questions about that particular news report. One: How do they know it weighed 500pounds? Two: How did they know it was a bull shark? Sharks aren’t known for their concern for etiquette and rarely take the time to introduce themselves to their snack dujour. With all the screaming and thrashinggoing on I doubt their lunch would hear them anyway, or really care just what kind of creature it is that’s about to really, really mess up their day.

And if I were involved I can guarantee there’d be WAY too much screaming and thrashing going on for any form of meaningful communication.

And furthermore let me tell you this: If you are under attack by a shark, any shark, and you have the ability and the detatched cool to think to yourself, “By George, that’s a bull shark!” well, then, you’re a better man than me, Gunga Din. Even if you’re a woman, you’re a better man than me ifyou can do that.

The third attack this week occurred in Pensacola Bay. A large shark -evidently it wasn’t polite enough to introduce itself because the news didn’t give size, weight, or species – attacked the back end of a small boat. Nobody was injured this time, and the disappointed shark made goodits escape without further identification.

So, why all these attacks all of a sudden? Here are some interesting statistics. According to the University of Florida’s Natural HistoryMuseum there were more attacks worldwide (536) in the 1990’s than in any previous decade. And, get this, two-thirds of those attacks occurred inNorth American waters. Comforting, eh? And here’s some more good newsfor us Gulf Coast dwellers. There were 39 attacks in North Americanwaters between 1998 and 1999. Twenty-five of those were in Floridawaters. The single most concentrated area of attacks was near NewSmyrna Beach in Volusia County, Fla., but that’s because of all the surferswho come there for the waves despite the concentration of sharks in those waters. Well, nobody ever said surfers were smart. One tiny bright spot is that actual deaths from attacks are down from an average of seven a year to just four last year, which is fine if you’re not one of those four.

Here’s another tidbit of information you might find useful, although I can’t figure out how, even though it makes a weird sort of sense somehow.

According to CNN you have a better chance of being bitten by a human if you go to New York City than you have of being bitten by a shark if you go swimming. Now, that’ll make you raise an eyebrow, won’t it? Anyway, the shout, “SHARK!” even in these days of dulled senses and dulled reactions, will cause a quick jolt of adrenaline and a resurgence of a survival instinct that has almost been forgotten like few other words can.

(Actually, though, the word “SNAKE!” comes to mind as well.) Enjoy that beach vacation.

LEE DRESSELHAUS writes this column every Wednesday for L’Observateur.

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