Lee Dresselhaus / L’Observateur / May 9, 2000

So-it’s just like I’ve always said. Opportunity will turn conviction intohypocrisy at the drop of a dollar sign.

The latest example of this is being set by the most recent in a long line of rather normal women who somehow manage to get themselves to center stage, often without any intent to do so at the outset of things. They arriveon the American scene accompanied by headlines and scandal, and despite the public criticism that follows them around like it’s attached with rubber bands – or perhaps because of it – they end up doing quite well for themselves. At least financially. The list of these Trailer Park Barbies is long and quite undistinguished. Werecently had the Monica Lewinsky debacle shoved down our throats until we were on the verge of mass hari-kiri. She almost toppled a president andnearly brought an entire government to its knees, no pun intended. And thenshe went on to be a spokesperson for Jenny Craig. Go figure. They’ve sincedumped her, but she made a bundle in the meantime.

Before Monica there was Donna Rice, the Monkey Business girl. She didn’tbring down a president, she just destroyed any remote chance of Gary Hart ever getting a nomination. Hart was 20 points ahead in the polls until he wassilly enough to let someone take a picture of a curvy, smiling Rice sitting on his lap aboard the yacht “Monkey Business.” Any chance of Hart everbecoming president then vanished abruptly in a puff of stupidity. And DonnaRice went on to be a spokesperson for Guess? jeans. They dumped her too,but she did well until they did.

Before that little side show there was Fanne Foxe. Anybody remember her?She was stripper-oops, exotic dancer, who was dancing the fandango with one of the Senate’s most powerful men of the time, Wilbur Mills. When theywere caught doing the two-step boogie, Wilbur’s career went down the tubes, but Fannie’s flourished. Poor ole Wilbur has since kicked the bucket. I don’tknow what Fannie’s doing now. Is there a home for retired strippers? If thereis, she probably owns it.

And now, center stage, ladies and gentlemen please welcome Darva Conger.

You remember Ms. Conger. She didn’t destroy any politicians, but she didmanage to bring a couple of television executives professional lives to an end. She participated in the ill-fated television show “Who Wants To Marry AMillionaire,” hoping to marry some complete stranger in return for money.

Lots of it. I’ve already written about what a load of idiocy that whole debaclewas, so let’s catch up with the new Darva Conger.

Ms, Conger, as you will recall, was offended that the millionaire she sold herself to, er, agreed to marry (sorry) actually had the audacity to kiss her ON THE LIPS after the wedding ceremony without even asking her permission beforehand. The thoughtless hound. She then wouldn’t have any part of thewhole marriage consummation thing on the honeymoon cruise. Shortly afterthat, the whole sorry affair was annulled by some judge with enough sense to do so. And Ms. Conger has since spent her time telling people she just wantsto be left alone. She has expressed her wish for privacy in print interviewsas well as to various news programs. I could be wrong, but I suspect most ofthose programs paid a healthy fee to hear how much she wanted her privacy.

And now she has decided to be really, really private by appearing nude in Playboy.

That’ll show all those nosy people who keep trying to pry into her private life a thing or two, won’t it? At the time I’m writing this column, she has entered into negotiations with whoever does that sort of thing for Playboy to appear nude for an undisclosed six-figure amount. Amazing. Not that I blame her,mind you. For the right amount of money (seven figures would make up mymind real quick), I’d ride nude on a Mardi Gras float on Fat Tuesday smiling and waving, but then, I admit that I’m easy like that. I don’t posture about myvalues and then toss them out the window when the paycheck looks big enough.

It’s an astonishing aspect of our society that people who do foolish things (marry someone you don’t know on TV for money) or immoral things (get a dress stained in the Oval Office) can prosper as a result.

If Ms. Conger goes through with her Playboy deal she’ll not only get a heftypayday, she’ll get her wish for privacy all right. Playboy has a circulation ofabout three and a half million per month. She’ll be hidden under thousands ofbeds, in closets, and on nightstands across America. Not to mention all thosespecial places held so dear by every adolescent boy that they’re sure their mother will never find.

Like I said before, opportunity will turn conviction into hypocrisy real fast.

Values? We don’t need no STEENKING values! We’ve got cash. It’s the American way.

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