Family Ties

Published 12:00 am Friday, January 28, 2000

MARY ANN FITZMORRIS / L’Observateur / January 28, 2000

A wonderful thing has happened. Last night I went to the movies with the kids and left without blurry vision, temporary deafness and a stiff neck.

They must be growing up. We no longer have to sit in the very front row, where viewing the film requires staring up for ninety minutes, and the picture is so large it takes half the movie for my eyes to adjust.

Before I had kids I wondered who those goons in the front row were. After I had kids, it was me. For my entire previous life I was a back-of-the-theaterperson. I suppose I should thank my kids for saving my life. It was only amatter of time before my unsolicited supervisory type comments led to any early demise.

The last few rows in a theater are attractive to those seeking to talk incessantly, smoke and have carnal adventures without the fear of a flashlight in the eyes.

These rude individuals are the minority of rear-row regulars, but I seemed to encounter them often. As the self-appointed usher, it was I who told them to shut up or put out the cigarette. Amorous activity got a pass unless it became loud enough to be disruptive.

While the other patrons seemed grateful for my contributions to their theater experience, it was I who left the building nervously looking over my shoulder. Anyone capable of lighting a cigarette in a dark movie theater is probable capable of much more. . .or less.Maybe it was the kind of places we went. Dollar theaters tend to slide downward until one day the place is gutted and it starts over. I always did have my own cut-off point on those theaters. We stopped going when the driedCoke on the floor became enough of an adhesive that walking down the aisle was actually noisy, or when trying to find a seat without a suspicious stain or gum took longer than a few minutes. A single roach-on-the-arm incident wasenough to call it quits.

We got into the dollar theater habit as kids. Anything times seven becomes expensive, so my mom would pop popcorn at home, bag it individually and bring candy in her purse. We were the best smelling patrons in line. I longedfor a trip to the movies without a suitcase full of concessions.

But last night I spent $7 on popcorn and one drink, so my mother’s logic is beginning to look appealing. I’m tempted to start shopping for a very largehandbag, but my kids wouldn’t let me.

No, my kids are used to seeing movies the normal way, something I never did as a kid. Besides the concessions-in-a-bag, we always came into the movie theater when the film was usually half over. It was only after I began drivingmyself to the movies that I realized previews actually came BEFORE a film instead of between two halves of the picture.

And finding an empty seat in pitch darkness certainly added a little extra challenge to the experience. Occasionally this task reached the level ofabsurd. Sometimes we brought my wonderful grandmother, who became really unnerved by the darkness since she was deaf. She found her way down the aisle by feeling the faces of anyone sitting on the aisle seat. It’s a wonderwe weren’t thrown out the theater, considering the fact that all this commotion was made by a large group of ten.

Back then we went to the movies a fair amount, as I recall. Now I only show up at the theater when a kids film is showing. And I don’t regard many PG-13films as kids films. They require the fleeting censorship of mom, so my sonand I usually wait until I have the comfort of the VCR remote control in hand.

This leaves only a handful of films that actually bring us to the theater, and we like going to the theater, so we usually see those films a few times.

I can barely remember the last time I went to the movies with another adult to see a film where the rating didn’t include a G somewhere. And I’m sure it’s lucky for me that I don’t have the slightest idea what’s now happening in those seats in the back.

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